Movies: Pirates of the Caribbean; something something something

Every year a friend of mine takes his Grandmother to see The Pirates of Penzance perform. For those of you not big on the pantomime matinee scene, it is  an annual tour of singing/dancing/kitsch.

This strikes me as a very sweet and incredibly boring activity. 'Oh, it's not too bad.' this friend will say, 'I mean, they change it.' When I ask how, their eyes gain that unfocussed squint you get from staring into Amazing 3D Paintings. You're sure there's something there, but what?

I imagine the experience is not unlike seeing the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. You go to see it, well, because it’s out. Sequels like this are the cinematic equivalent of doing the laundry. It’s what you do.

 What’s there to say? There’s the usual cast, most of whom look bored (Johnny Depp), or are boring as a rule. Depp’s love interest (Penelope Cruz) provides some new flavour, but aside from curling her mouth around some truly awful dialogue, she gives nothing to the story. Although it has to be said her characters near-schizophrenic mood changes provide the only semblance of actual theatrics in the whole thing.

The movie has all the tension and unpredictability of a line dance. Two newcomers (Sam Clafflin and Astrid Berges-Frisbey) play the forgettable love story. “Didn’t that used to be that Orlando fella?” Gran will ask. Just pat her hand and offer another bon-bon, since it hardly matters. In a serial movie like this, characters are as throwaway as the storyline; which this time revolves around a lot of people needing to find something.

"Did'nt that used to be that Orlando fella?"

Yes it is exactly the same set up as the previous three films. Something needs finding and the race is on. Director Rob Marshall throws more and more people into the mix (Geoffrey Rush—fun as always, and Ian MacShane) with giving almost no plausible explanation as to why. All of this could be excused if the action weren’t so tired, and the scenery so recycled. “Isn’t that the same set as the last one?” Gran may ask, narrowing her eyes at yet another bombastic chase sequence. And you’ll try to have an answer for her, but you won’t be sure yourself. It makes no difference. You’ll be back again soon enough, and so will they(well, more or less), same sets and all.