"Well that's some nice sepia-tone. Oh Chris Evan's head looks weird superimposed on that body, dislocated, like the heads of bobble-dogs you used to see in people's cars (that was a hectic grass-fire of a craze, wasn't it?). That's some pretty retro-futurist details you've got there, but isn't Tony Stark Iron Man? and Isn't Iron man Robert Downey Jr. Am I lacking the dweeb credentials on this? Should I care?
And what is with his voice? I mean, it's as if everything about him is puny except his voice, which I suspect he (Chris Evans) continually weighs down to sound more butch. I mean, how can I buy this guy? He should sound like Professor Frink or at least the Pimply Teen. Oh Tommy Lee Jones you are good. And is it just me or do his proportions change not only from scene to scene, but shot to shot. I mean in one seen he looks like a proportionate midget, the next he just looks little stooped. What is this, Steve's Adventures in Wonderland? And Stanley Tucci, you can do anything (aside from make Cher seem loveable i,e. anything approximating human. But who could?) Oh look Chris Evan's has muscles. That's nice. Now at least his voices matches, and no more damn flexi growing. Oh! Tucci Down! That was fast. What a boring action scene....tra la la la...TOBY JONES WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!? Tra la la la.....
These action scenes are incredibly boring, mainly because Captain America's skills consist of booting people and whipping a giant metal Frisbee at them. And is he immune to bullets? How can he not be? The man goes solo into a Nazi Deathstar (which he infiltrates with hilarious ease, think Metal Gear Solid on "very easy" (see, I do have some nerd cred) . And they just keep coming. And so do the emotional scenes, which are well shot but are stunningly plain and boring, maybe if I squint hard enough I'll be able to see the thousands of bad movies with scenes identical to them.
Oh it's over. Where did that happen? And how? Such a blur. Why did you waste so much of my time with that dancing? Was that how he avoided being shot by the tens of thousands of bullets fired at him - by some Voodoo Americana magic cast by fan-kicks? My head hurts. And he didn't get the girl? Or is the girl ancient? And there's Samuel L. Somewhat interesting, but it doesn't answer anything. Was that even a movie I just saw, or just one long trailer, with all the booms and swoons but no story and no sense?"
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